I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
