All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
