When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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