your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
