I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I stole a fireplace last night.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
