I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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