seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Randomize
