I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
