I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
