also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
