We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
