You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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