He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
