He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
