Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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