New low: just hacked my moms facebook
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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