Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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