She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
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