just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
