Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
