he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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