As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
