Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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