i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I need moral support for this bender
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
