a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
