Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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