i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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