I wish my penis had an off switch
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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