You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
