By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Randomize
