giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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