you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
