i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
