Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
