Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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