A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
