I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
