I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
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