butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
