I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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