2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
