my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
