I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
