R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I just found puke in my bra..
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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