it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Randomize
