I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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