Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
