If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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