dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
