Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
