Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
You left your underwear on the fireplace
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
