am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
