I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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