My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
