I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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