Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
