Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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