just come out here and I will go home with you...
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
