I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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