In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
